(The title has been changed from "smart" to "more educated" since it was pointed out to me that it makes me sound condescending and arrogant, something I did not intend and believe pulls attention away from the reason I made this post. Thank you for all the commentary that pointed this out to me).
There were six of us. Myself, my brother, and my four cousins. The first generation of Americans born to Latinos. We were told by our parents that we would go to school, read books and get into college. Of the six of us only two of us finished high school and only I went on to college. It has been a year since I have gained two bachelor's degrees and a minor and have returned to the ghetto of East LA. I have noticed something that has pulled me away from my family.
An example of my problem is as follows.
Around the dinner table my father or mother says that "X-Rays are harmless". To which I respond, "No, X-rays cause/can cause cancer."
OR
At a BBQ my father says around other family members and friends that, "the president can do whatever he wants. If he says the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are over he can bring them back." To which I respond, "No, The president can't do whatever he wants. Our country is governed by three different branches, Executive, Judicial, and Legislative. It's called separation of powers."
OR
When my father tells my little brother that if he is stopped by the police he has to tell him if he's a citizen or illegal,
to which I respond, "No, you don't have to tell them your legal status."
My parents hate to be corrected by me, even if I am doing it in a helpful manner. Neither of them went to college, nor did any of my aunts, uncles, or neighbors. In a culture where parents are used to being smarter than their children by default due to experience I break the mold simply by having an advanced education. At social gatherings they flaunt me, knowing that I achieved something that is not expected of children in the ghetto, but if I try to speak with the adults and try to display intelligence I am brushed away. It does not matter that I have a job like them, (making more money than any of them). It does not matter that I am respectful to others and handle myself in a professional manner that makes me so good at my job.
They prefer the power structure that all the neighbors and relatives have over their children, both grown to adulthood or still under eighteen.
-----I'm older and smarter than you because you haven't been through what I've been through.------
I am currently used as an encyclopedia. If they have a question they come to me and if I know the answer they get it. But if I try to correct an erroneous fact that they have known for years such as, "Mom, don't take more than 8 Tylenol in one day because it could lead to liver failure" they choose to ignore me.
I find myself going over to my parents apartment less and less, speaking less when I do go over because of the fact that I am ignored/under appreciated.
A question for all the parents. "How would you feel if your children were more knowledgeable than you? How would you handle it?"
A question for all the children. "Do you have thick headed parents also? Do you feel that your parents still consider you a child instead of an adult."
Comments (172)
I'd be delighted if my daughter grew to be smarter than I am. Isn't that what all parents want? A better life for their child than they had?
That's a good point you have there. My father's a Mexican but for a Mexican he's not too hardheaded in that way; he may not have gone to college but as far as I'm concerned he's still a whole lot smarter than I am. He knows his stuff, he loves his history and he never puts down literature.
I can't say entirely on your question, since he has every right to treat me as a child when he leaves me thinking about answers to his questions only to answer them himself.
But there's a burden to being smart, if not smarter, isn't there...
You mean 'BEing smarter than my parents....' and not 'bring'. Obviously a typo.
WOW....very well said. Same boat, same shoes.
My dad thinks he knows everything but when he stumps into a question that he has no answer for, he comes to me. If the answer I provide for him is what he wants to hear (with the actual FACTS), then he'll be 'fine' with it.
If the answer isn't what he wants to hear or doesn't flow with his logic, my goodness....I get into a half an hour debate or shouting match,
After a while, I just let him have it! LOL
Same argument with: Windows down during a hot day or AC on while driving in your car. Which will save you the most money/gasoline. Mythbuster did a segment on that. Windows down once you reach 55 mph. If you go above 55 mph, roll up your windows and turn on the AC.
My dad will swear up and down that it's best to have the windows down at all time. However, at 65 mph with windows down will cause a drag...etc.
Those arguments are kind of fun...don't let them discourage you on seeing your family as often as you used to.
Pick and choose your battles. They are mighty proud of you.
That's irritating. If I ended up smarter than my parents (highly unlikely, because sometimes I think my mom knows EVERYTHING), I'd be so pissed if they didn't recognize that.
I admit I have two reactions to this. The first is that, to be very honest, you come across as a bit arrogant, or as believing yourself to be better than your parents. You may be better educated than they were, but that doesn't make you smarter. And if you can't show respect to your parents, how smart are you really?
I'm assuming you got what you have because of sacrifices your parents made. Would it kill you not to constantly correct them if they are wrong?
I think it's wonderful you have achieved what you have, and that you rose above difficult circumstances to do it. I can understand why your parents are so proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. But pride in an achievement is very different from deciding you are better than somebody else, and the tone of this blog suggests that is what you think. I wonder if you are communicating that to your parents, and, if so, imagine how that must make them feel.
I don't mean to sound harsh, and I do understand that you are saying your different educational level creates a gap that was not there before. I can understand why that is, and I applaud you for what you have accomplished.
I do know someone who is smarter - way smarter - than his parents, but he downplays it. Like, they don't even fully know. But I do and I know it's frustrating, because he just chooses to shake his head and sometimes he just gives me a knowing look when I am there and one of them says something that he knows better.
I would be so frustrated. Many parents, as well as the rest of my family still consider me a child. Apparently you're only an adult if you're married or have kids. I correct my parents and they tend to listen to me when it comes to education, but if it's about some life experience they don't even if they know I've been through it and they haven't.
mom can be bull headed yes, and my father died young but she is some kind of genius, she skipped all kinds of grades, and I hear he was smart too, maybe too smart, smart and sensitive is not the best combo sometimes. anyway, I am grateful I inherited good brains. smarter than her? that would be a sad day because it would mean that she has gotten an age related dementia. I'd rather have to always work hard to keep up with her and always know that I can STILL never get anything past her.
my dad does the same thing to me sometimes. i'm still in high school, so he REALLY hates it when i try to correct him. it's kind of infuriating.
I'm sure you are smart and knowledgeable but I wanna say that intelligence is not always measured by degrees. Book smart isn't necessarily indicative of intelligence that is, just because someone is good at memorizing what is on paper does not make them smart.
I personally have 2 degrees and currently working on a third one, but really, it doesn't mean that I am smarter or better than someone who does not have a degree.
@anonymous - well said :)
And I also don't think it's a good idea to isolate yourself from them like that. Your parents gave up a lot just so you could have the opprotunity to get those two bachelor's degree. The way your acting is really disrespectful to them.
I am really glad that my parents are not like that. I think it may be a cultural thing - in Chinese culture (and a lot of other Asian cultures) education is so highly valued that it's practically worshiped. My parents would be more than happy to see me become smarter than them and better than them in every way. It's not just selfless though, I'm sure they'd ask me to take care of them in their old age in return for the educational opportunities they have provided =P Anyway, even though my parents have such high expectations for me I don't know how I can be more successful than them. They are damn good at what they do (they own a fashion company), and they had to do it all in a foreign language, and one of them only has a high school education.
Whenever I try to correct my mother on a point, I'm sure to back it up with evidence or documents if she asks so she doesn't feel like I'm just talking back. Once I accidentally used a wikipedia article to explain a certain matter to her - oops. She is now addicted to that site. Haha.
@Tanezia_Delight - telling your mother that she is harming herself by overdosing is disrespectful? Hmm...
@Tanezia_Delight - Wow there.. I can dig the first part but the second paragraph is way off. I paid my way through college starting my sophomore year and I'm the one that currently pays for several of my parents bills, recession being what it is. And its not like we get into screaming matches over facts. If I say something they don't want to hear they just ignore me, as if though I didn't just speak.
My parents manage to both respect me and look down on me. It goes something like "You are smarter than me but I know more than you do." It's like they only choose to accept the fact that I'm more intelligent than them when it suits them; but once my intelligence gets between them and being able to 'lord over me', so to speak, I'm suddenly nothing but an inexperienced child, regardless of what I know and have done and been through. Moving out didn't make it any better, and it's been three years.
Thick-headed; that's the word. My parents definitely have no respect for me as an individual/adult and think that I'm a child no matter what I do. Yes, I'm only 18 but still, give me some credit.
Yeah, they do have more experience but the times and locations are totally different now. Most of what they went through really doesn't apply to me =/
Ah, you maybe more educated than them, but not smarter. But I cannot tell you this, it is something you will learn in the next twenty years.
it's arrogant to say you're "smarter" than your parents. you have a college degree, but book smarts and a lucrative job don't make you "smarter." they've got years of life experience, and they've made it this far without your level of schooling - which probably meant they had to rely heavily on other forms of knowledge.
the internet doesn't convey tone very well, but from reading your responses, i think you came off a tad condescending. in very conservative cultures that overemphasize the family hierarchy, parents hate being corrected. to them it's almost like being disobeyed. you
obviously know that (and i know it frustrates you when they don't listen; i would be frustrated, too), but it's hard for them. so i guess all you can do is try not to sound like you're lecturing or "teaching" them how to live. they probably fear you've lost respect for them once you started trying to "teach" them, as it is traditionally the parents' role to teach the child.
@Nhi214 - "I personally have 2 degrees and currently
working on a third one, but really, it doesn't mean that I am smarter
or better than someone who does not have a degree" I'm glad to hear someone acknowledge that. My English prof. was convinced that the higher you went in school, the better you were. Er... no. Wrong. Very wrong.
Dad's a fucking genious. Book smarts and common sense / street smarts. I could never even hope to be as intelligent as he is. (FYI: He dropped out of college)
Mom got D's in school, but she's got common sense. As far as education goes... well, I passed her years ago. But she's a good person and was/is proud of me.
I was always treated as (almost) an equal.
It is ridiculously frustrating dealing with people less intelligent than you. There's no way to make this not sound arrogant, but for me to deal with "normal" people is like a "normal" person living in a special ed. class. *bangs head on desk* I'm no Einstein, by far, but I understand very much the consequences of my actions. I was the kid that took the AP classes and still got good grades, did their homework, was in the clubs, etc.
You're still their child, though. They raised you. Many parents, I guess, have a hard time accepting their child/ren as equal/s. Maybe try the, "thank you for the education now let me show you what I've learned"
Wow, this is coming from someone with a college degree? Sounds more like an angsty teen to me. Many people go on to be better educated than their parents (such is progress) but it does not give them license to become arrogant and condescending towards anyone.
Maybe rather than feeling miserable that you're "smarter" you should feel lucky. I would anyway.
I forgot the obvious: Let them know you're frustrated. Sit down like adults.
That's a difficult situation you're in! In once sense, I think every parent wants more for their children than they had for themselves. Could you imagine a world not like that? We would all be stupid! But parents are only human, and when someone is smarter than us, it's still slightly intimidating. I would try and not let if affect your relationship with them. Because when the time comes and your parents are not around anymore, it's not going to matter if they didn't go to college, if you did. What you'll remember is the time you spent with them.
Your right. I made a mistake in the title. I should have titled it with the word educated than "smart". It does make me feel like I'm arrogant, something I'm not used to being called.
oh yeah definately they don't listen to any of thwe words that come out of my mouth unless i tell them that it was form the news or a doctor